True Trump

It was not easy, but prior to a one-on-one interview with the President, CNN was able to slip sodium pentothal into his drink.  Things got interesting very fast as Anderson Cooper asked questions.

Cooper:  Mr. President there are those who claim that your response to the needs of people devastated by Hurricane Maria on Puerto Rico was very different than your response to Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, and there are those that claim it is going terribly in Puerto Rico while you claim it is going great.  How are things in Puerto Rico?

Trump:  First Anderson, let me be perfectly clear.  I was not at all interested in helping the folks in Puerto Rico.  I do not think of that island as part of the US.  Those people chose to live on an island in the middle of the Atlantic – what did they think was going to happen?  All the money we spend on them could have helped build a wall.  But when public opinion began to turn against me I had to trot out another lie to appease my base, so I did.  Thank God editors at Fox do not think and do not fact check, and thank God my base does not think or fact check.

Cooper:  Are you admitting that you lie to the American people?

Trump:  Of course I lie.  Why is that such a surprise?  I know folks think of me as a big negotiator, but I am really a salesman, a really great salesman, probably the best that has ever been.  I am not going to tell the consumer that the car I’m selling is terrible and the transmission will fall out in 50,000 miles.  I will tell them it is a wonderful car and they should buy it.  So far, my base continues to buy it.

Cooper:  What other lies have you told us?

Trump:  Most of my campaign was a lie.  I’ve been worse since the inauguration.  I knew I had fewer people there than Obama.  It pissed me off and I wanted to be thought of as the greatest, so I lied about the attendance.  I still cannot believe Clinton got more votes than me, so I made up the voter fraud issue.  I knew the FBI would eventually get around to investigating my ties with Russia so I tried to push some of that off on Obama.  I have been claiming these great economics since I was elected but all that is really due to what Obama did.  I hate Obama and I just want to wipe his record from the history books.  I don’t care if it hurts people or not, I want him gone.  I am embarrassed that we ever elected a Black man to this office. 

Cooper:  Can you give us an update on our relationship with North Korea?

Trump:  That little piss ant dictator really gets under my skin.  He’s a nobody.  He surely does not have the power or importance I have.  When I tell him to stop doing something, I expect him to stop.  He is strutting around like he is something important.  I’ll tell you, Anderson, I need a war.  I need to give the American people a reason to get behind me and support me.  I am ready to nuke him, but the generals don’t like that plan.  I may end up sending in a bunch of troops, but I am not putting up with his stuff much longer.

Cooper:  That is horrifying, Mr. President.

Trump:  I know!  I can’t believe it either.  This guy needs to back down.

Cooper:  You were very critical of President Obama for playing golf.  Now it appears you have played more golf than President Obama did in 8 years.  What is that about?

Trump:  First, do not refer to him as President Obama.  He is not President anymore.  I am the only President this country has.  Second, it’s none of your damn business what I do.  I am the leader of the free world.  I shouldn’t have to answer to anyone.  If I want to go to one of my resorts and play golf I am going to go.  I am not going to share the list of people who come with me, or the people who visit me in the White House any more than I am going to share my income tax.  I am a private citizen with an important job to do and everybody, especially you guys in the media, need to get off my back.  Do not mistake me for a public servant.  I am not.  I serve me and folks who support me.

Cooper:  Tom Price just resigned.  But he is but one of a long list of your appointments who have left.  Why is this happening?

Trump:  I can’t believe you asked me that question, Anderson.  He left because of you and others in the media.  I promised to drain the swamp.  That meant running all these long-time governmental officials and so-called policy experts out of Washington.  I appointed people to take their place that I knew thought like me, supported me, and were loyal to me.  Think of me as the boss of the United States.  No boss would tolerate his subordinates hurting his image or his power.  But you guys just keep hounding them.  You expect to look behind every door, under every carpet, inside every closet.  That is none of your damn business and you have to back off.  No leader shares everything.  Tom left because he became a liability, he was doing my image more harm than good.  He understood.  But the only reason he was hurting me was because of you pesky reporters.  Freedom of the press must be seriously reviewed.  I am sick of all this.

Cooper:  One final question, Mr. President.  Can you tell us what you think the Mueller investigation into Russian connections with you and your campaign staff will ultimately reveal?

Trump:  Sure.  I have told you I am a negotiator and a salesman.  Before and during the time I ran for President I was seeking ways to make money across this planet.  So yes, I was in contact with the Russians in hopes of doing business with them.  Once I announced I wanted to be President the Russians offered intel on Hillary that they claimed would sink her candidacy.  And they offered ways to hack the election so that I might win, place ads supporting me on-line, etc.  What kind of business man would turn down those opportunities?  Only business men who are no longer in business.  So yes, I looked to find out what that intel was and accepted the support in other ways.  No big deal.  I won and the story is over.

Cooper:  Are you aware, Mr. President, that those acts are considered treason in the United States?

Trump:  Yeah, so what.  I did what I had to do to win and my base will continue to support me no matter what comes out of this investigation.  I am just not worried.  I am the best President this country has ever had.  I will be the most loved and adored President ever.  You just wait and see.

Cooper:  Thank you, Mr. President.  And thank you for your candor.

Trump:  You’re welcome.  What did I say?