The big guy returned from his sabbatical in the year of the
earth 4,543,292,022. (Earthlings
referred to this same year as 2022 which he found quaint.) He had been very busy creating new stars, new
galaxies, new planets, new life forms, and new laws of physics when he grew
bored and decided to check in on earth, one of his first efforts to populate
the universe with sentient beings.
Frankly, he was shocked by what he found.
Humans were mucking it up.
Given the gift of sentient life, it appeared that some humans who could
not use their big-guy-given brains were propelling the planet toward
extinction. Sentient yes, sapient
no. Time to intervene. He hated to do this, but he had done it
before with a great flood, a parting of seas, walls at Jericho, Egyptian
babies, etc., and even the creation of his de-facto self on the planet did not
seem to have worked. Some humans just
did not get it. Giving up their sapience
for oblivious self-service, greed, and fear was reversing one of his most
creative life forms to obliviousness and unconsciousness. No, it was not time to wipe them all out
again. But yes, it was time for a wake-up
call.
After careful thought regarding what options would likely
work best, he settled on a series of miracles that would happen simultaneously
throughout the planet. Perhaps a swift
change in reality would awaken the selfish, squabbling idiots.
The ground rules would remain the same with just a few minor
twists. Love your neighbor as you love
yourself. (Who is your neighbor? Every human, you dim wit.) And, do to others what you would have them do
to you. The new twist would be, have
done to you what you have done to others.
This should be enough to get them thinking, he thought. When to implement his plan? Should the implementation be sudden and
universal, or one human at a time? He chose
sudden, universal, and without warning.
No prophets this time. No one
listened to them anyway.
He chose September 22 as the implementation day. This was the fall equinox, and what better
day to promote equality and universal love than a day when sunshine and
darkness were exactly equal. On that day
the following will happen:
Every white person who harbored bigotry and fear of other
people based on their race and/or skin color will awake to discover that their
skin had turned fire engine red. Other
humans who were born in various shades of beige and brown found them laughable. The newly colored humans will be totally
freaked out and have nowhere to turn for help and no way to hide their new
color. Non-bigoted white people who
fought for equality and justice and the end of discrimination remained
“white.” The KKK immediately disbanded,
as did other supremacist and hate groups.
Every person who supported building barriers along national
lines to keep people out will awake to find themselves outside those
barriers. Every person who supported
building barriers to keep people in will find themselves stuck inside those
barriers unable to leave.
Every person who believed that sexual identity and sexual
preferences other than binary heterosexuality was a defect and not worthy of
love or protection will awake to be anything other than binary
heterosexual. They will awake either
homosexual, transsexual, pansexual, etc., and subject to the discriminatory
laws regarding such groups.
Every person with accumulated wealth equal to or over $1
million (the global top 1%) will awake to find themselves penniless and
homeless unless their efforts had been sincere to improve the status of living
for those less fortunate. Preachers were
not eligible for this exception. Evidence qualifying for exception included support of programs that fed the hungry, clothed the naked, educated everyone, and healed the sick. To
escape poverty each of these newly poor people will work three separate jobs at
minimum wage. Most of them will likely
be bright red anyway.
Every male who opposed abortion will awaken with his sex
organs exchanged for female sex organs.
Every woman who opposed abortion will awaken with male sex organs that
would never become flaccid. Every time
an anti-abortion male wants to have sex he will have to find another willing male.
Each coupling will result in a pregnancy for the anti-abortion male. Every time an anti-abortion female wants to
have sex she will have to find a willing pro-choice female to participate and
each coupling will result in pregnancy for the pro-choice female, likely ending
the possibility of sexual activity for anti-abortion females, which will likely
not be much of a change.
Every person who believed and voted as though their nation
was better off in 1950 will suddenly and completely lose all advancements that
have occurred since that time. Cell phones, TVs, microwaves, air travel, modern
medicine, polio and other vaccines, automobiles built since 1950, dentistry and
medicinal pain medication, internet, computers, air conditioning, etc. These backward-thinking people will be forced
to live the rest of their lives as though it was 1950. Most of them will likely be bright red.
Every elected official who had consciously, malevolently,
and selfishly lied to his or her public will awake to find their genitals and
their noses had anatomically swapped places.
It would be obvious now who was a dick and who was a pussy, and those
very politicians would have to actually smell their own crap. All Trump judicial appointees will likely
start wearing masks, as will Trump, McConnell, Cruz, Abbott, and the vast
majority of conservative politicians.
Every male who supported unlimited weapon ownership and use
will lose their genitals altogether. The
big guy figured that those males didn’t have much to lose anyway if they felt
the need to have weapons to feel safe while around their neighbors. Women who support unlimited weapon ownership will
not lose their genitals, but their sex drive would increase even though they
were likely now paired with a eunuch.
The leader of any nation-state who used his or her position
to increase his or her wealth or used his or her position to attempt to
increase the land mass of their nation, or used his or her position to decrease
the liberties of other humans will lose both arms and both legs and be at the
mercy of good-hearted anti-war, pro-liberty people. These leaders will be powerless. They could not go anywhere without
assistance, eat without assistance, even go to the bathroom without assistance,
etc.
The combined impact of all these new rules would result in a
large population of bright red people with their genitals all messed up or
gone, their wealth all gone, and for some their arms and legs. The world will turn to those who retained
their original skin color, retained their genitals, retained the location of
their genitals, and retained whatever financial comforts they enjoyed to serve
as leaders and model humans. Everyone
converted by this implementation would be told that it was the big guy who
ordained the changes and they better get right with the ground rules before his
next visit.
The big guy left and the world changed.
The rules are simple:
Love your neighbor as you love yourself, and do to others what you would
have others do to you. No
exceptions. “Neighbors” and “others”
include all human beings, all races, all ethnicities, and all sexual
preferences. Simple.
Humans cannot have it both ways: One cannot claim to love the big guy and not
follow his rules.
