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Wednesday, July 6, 2022

The Big Guy Returns

The big guy returned from his sabbatical in the year of the earth 4,543,292,022.  (Earthlings referred to this same year as 2022 which he found quaint.)  He had been very busy creating new stars, new galaxies, new planets, new life forms, and new laws of physics when he grew bored and decided to check in on earth, one of his first efforts to populate the universe with sentient beings.  Frankly, he was shocked by what he found. 

Humans were mucking it up.  Given the gift of sentient life, it appeared that some humans who could not use their big-guy-given brains were propelling the planet toward extinction.  Sentient yes, sapient no.  Time to intervene.  He hated to do this, but he had done it before with a great flood, a parting of seas, walls at Jericho, Egyptian babies, etc., and even the creation of his de-facto self on the planet did not seem to have worked.  Some humans just did not get it.  Giving up their sapience for oblivious self-service, greed, and fear was reversing one of his most creative life forms to obliviousness and unconsciousness.  No, it was not time to wipe them all out again.  But yes, it was time for a wake-up call. 

After careful thought regarding what options would likely work best, he settled on a series of miracles that would happen simultaneously throughout the planet.  Perhaps a swift change in reality would awaken the selfish, squabbling idiots.

The ground rules would remain the same with just a few minor twists.  Love your neighbor as you love yourself.  (Who is your neighbor?  Every human, you dim wit.)  And, do to others what you would have them do to you.  The new twist would be, have done to you what you have done to others.  This should be enough to get them thinking, he thought.  When to implement his plan?  Should the implementation be sudden and universal, or one human at a time?  He chose sudden, universal, and without warning.  No prophets this time.  No one listened to them anyway.

He chose September 22 as the implementation day.  This was the fall equinox, and what better day to promote equality and universal love than a day when sunshine and darkness were exactly equal.  On that day the following will happen:

Every white person who harbored bigotry and fear of other people based on their race and/or skin color will awake to discover that their skin had turned fire engine red.  Other humans who were born in various shades of beige and brown found them laughable.  The newly colored humans will be totally freaked out and have nowhere to turn for help and no way to hide their new color.  Non-bigoted white people who fought for equality and justice and the end of discrimination remained “white.”  The KKK immediately disbanded, as did other supremacist and hate groups.

Every person who supported building barriers along national lines to keep people out will awake to find themselves outside those barriers.  Every person who supported building barriers to keep people in will find themselves stuck inside those barriers unable to leave.

Every person who believed that sexual identity and sexual preferences other than binary heterosexuality was a defect and not worthy of love or protection will awake to be anything other than binary heterosexual.  They will awake either homosexual, transsexual, pansexual, etc., and subject to the discriminatory laws regarding such groups.

Every person with accumulated wealth equal to or over $1 million (the global top 1%) will awake to find themselves penniless and homeless unless their efforts had been sincere to improve the status of living for those less fortunate.  Preachers were not eligible for this exception.  Evidence qualifying for exception included support of programs that fed the hungry, clothed the naked, educated everyone, and healed the sick.  To escape poverty each of these newly poor people will work three separate jobs at minimum wage.  Most of them will likely be bright red anyway.

Every male who opposed abortion will awaken with his sex organs exchanged for female sex organs.  Every woman who opposed abortion will awaken with male sex organs that would never become flaccid.  Every time an anti-abortion male wants to have sex he will have to find another willing male. Each coupling will result in a pregnancy for the anti-abortion male.  Every time an anti-abortion female wants to have sex she will have to find a willing pro-choice female to participate and each coupling will result in pregnancy for the pro-choice female, likely ending the possibility of sexual activity for anti-abortion females, which will likely not be much of a change. 

Every person who believed and voted as though their nation was better off in 1950 will suddenly and completely lose all advancements that have occurred since that time. Cell phones, TVs, microwaves, air travel, modern medicine, polio and other vaccines, automobiles built since 1950, dentistry and medicinal pain medication, internet, computers, air conditioning, etc.  These backward-thinking people will be forced to live the rest of their lives as though it was 1950.  Most of them will likely be bright red.

Every elected official who had consciously, malevolently, and selfishly lied to his or her public will awake to find their genitals and their noses had anatomically swapped places.  It would be obvious now who was a dick and who was a pussy, and those very politicians would have to actually smell their own crap.  All Trump judicial appointees will likely start wearing masks, as will Trump, McConnell, Cruz, Abbott, and the vast majority of conservative politicians.

Every male who supported unlimited weapon ownership and use will lose their genitals altogether.  The big guy figured that those males didn’t have much to lose anyway if they felt the need to have weapons to feel safe while around their neighbors.  Women who support unlimited weapon ownership will not lose their genitals, but their sex drive would increase even though they were likely now paired with a eunuch.

The leader of any nation-state who used his or her position to increase his or her wealth or used his or her position to attempt to increase the land mass of their nation, or used his or her position to decrease the liberties of other humans will lose both arms and both legs and be at the mercy of good-hearted anti-war, pro-liberty people.  These leaders will be powerless.  They could not go anywhere without assistance, eat without assistance, even go to the bathroom without assistance, etc. 

The combined impact of all these new rules would result in a large population of bright red people with their genitals all messed up or gone, their wealth all gone, and for some their arms and legs.  The world will turn to those who retained their original skin color, retained their genitals, retained the location of their genitals, and retained whatever financial comforts they enjoyed to serve as leaders and model humans.  Everyone converted by this implementation would be told that it was the big guy who ordained the changes and they better get right with the ground rules before his next visit.

The big guy left and the world changed.

The rules are simple:  Love your neighbor as you love yourself, and do to others what you would have others do to you.  No exceptions.  “Neighbors” and “others” include all human beings, all races, all ethnicities, and all sexual preferences.   Simple. 

Humans cannot have it both ways:  One cannot claim to love the big guy and not follow his rules.   

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