The Beat Myself Up, Guilt Trip List

Oh no.  It is the last day of 2014 and time to consider New Year’s Resolutions.  Apparently, reviewing previous years, these lists are not really resolutions.  They are more like a wish list, kind of like UN resolutions.  So, here is my wish list for 2015.  Here is my list so that on December 31, 2015 I can feel guilty and beat myself up.  (As an aside, how do I beat myself up?  I get up about 4:30 and I cannot beat whatever time I arise.  My wife gets up about 7:00, but I do not want to advertise that I beat my wife up.  Where is George Carlin when we really need him?)

Simple Stuff I Probably Won’t Do Anyway:

Lose 20 pounds.  That is really misstated. I do not want to lose the weight for fear I may find it again.  I really want to permanently reduce my mass.  I’m not sure why I want to do this as I know it involves self discipline and self-torture.  Not just to reduce the mass, but to maintain the reduction.  Who am I trying to impress?  If I were successful at this it would mean I have suffered a lot and would have to buy a new wardrobe.  Regardless, perhaps I would be more light-hearted if I weighed less.

Exercise regularly.  To be clear I am talking about my body.  I faithfully exercise my mind each and every day.  Once again, however, I am not sure why I want to do this.  It will hurt.  It soaks up time.  It may contribute to success in the lose weight dream, but I once ran track and hated it.  Getting out of the recliner to replenish snacks probably does not count, though it exercises my right arm and my stomach muscles.

Quit drinking beer every night.  OK.  This is a ringer.  I stopped drinking beer altogether back in 2013.  Well, I may consume 2 beers a month, a minor cheat that does not count as far as I am concerned.  And I have not shifted to any other form of alcohol consumption.  Amazingly and completely unfairly, once I quit drinking I gained weight.  Go figure (pun intended).  And, this was not an act of great sacrifice and self discipline.  One of my meds makes alcohol taste very metallic and I simply do not like it anymore.  Regardless, seems only fair to list at least one “resolution” I know I will be successful in achieving because I already have.  I feel better about me already.

Submit for publication.  I have been writing a couple of books since fall of 2013.  It is time to stop editing and simply send them to publishers.  Yes, there is fear of rejection involved, but I will not know until I write some letters and do some mailing.

Hard Stuff I Really Should Do:

Forgive those who have hurt me.  This is hard for me.  I remain angry at the Edna Board for what I see as malfeasance and an act of ignorance, cowardice and prejudice.  I remain angry at an employee who deceived me because of a false fear.  I am working on forgiving them.  I pray for them, and for me.  But in all honesty I am not there yet.  Until I release the anger around the pain and truly forgive I will burn inside.  I hope I can do this in 2015.

Let go.  This too is hard for me.  I devoted so many years, so much of my very being in my previous employment that I seem unable to totally disconnect.  I feel anger when I see current actions by the district knowing they are shortsighted and violate the mission, if not downright inappropriate.  I had this picture of announcing in December of 2014 that I would retire in June of 2015 and spend the spring saying goodbye and receiving some recognition for my work here.  None of that happened.  I was asked to disappear and I did.  And yet, I know the public schools in Edna are worse off whether they know it or not.  Not sure how to let go of that but it is critical for me that I do.

Cheer Up and Move On.  The self-flagellation I feel over my pain and loses of the last year inspires nightmares and loss of sleep.  I suspect I am still grieving.  It is time to stop.  It is time to cheer up and look to the future.  It is time to find other ways to contribute to the improvement of planet earth, the USA and Texas.  Not there yet, but I should be.  The alternative is continued wallowing in the past thereby destroying the present and the future.  Now, how exactly do I do that? 

So, there you have it and there I have it:  a list of possible improvements for 2015 which may or may not be fulfilled.  If not, the list will serve as fodder for beating myself up and feeling guilty this time next year.  That is scary.  How might I feel if I accomplished most or all of this list?  Honestly, that is equally scary as I will have let go of many of the things I care most about. 

So, here is to conquering fear in the coming year.

Happy New Year.