The Beat Myself Up, Guilt Trip List

Oh no.  It is the last day of 2014 and time to consider New Year’s Resolutions.  Apparently, reviewing previous years, these lists are not really resolutions.  They are more like a wish list, kind of like UN resolutions.  So, here is my wish list for 2015.  Here is my list so that on December 31, 2015 I can feel guilty and beat myself up.  (As an aside, how do I beat myself up?  I get up about 4:30 and I cannot beat whatever time I arise.  My wife gets up about 7:00, but I do not want to advertise that I beat my wife up.  Where is George Carlin when we really need him?)

Simple Stuff I Probably Won’t Do Anyway:

Lose 20 pounds.  That is really misstated. I do not want to lose the weight for fear I may find it again.  I really want to permanently reduce my mass.  I’m not sure why I want to do this as I know it involves self discipline and self-torture.  Not just to reduce the mass, but to maintain the reduction.  Who am I trying to impress?  If I were successful at this it would mean I have suffered a lot and would have to buy a new wardrobe.  Regardless, perhaps I would be more light-hearted if I weighed less.

Exercise regularly.  To be clear I am talking about my body.  I faithfully exercise my mind each and every day.  Once again, however, I am not sure why I want to do this.  It will hurt.  It soaks up time.  It may contribute to success in the lose weight dream, but I once ran track and hated it.  Getting out of the recliner to replenish snacks probably does not count, though it exercises my right arm and my stomach muscles.

Quit drinking beer every night.  OK.  This is a ringer.  I stopped drinking beer altogether back in 2013.  Well, I may consume 2 beers a month, a minor cheat that does not count as far as I am concerned.  And I have not shifted to any other form of alcohol consumption.  Amazingly and completely unfairly, once I quit drinking I gained weight.  Go figure (pun intended).  And, this was not an act of great sacrifice and self discipline.  One of my meds makes alcohol taste very metallic and I simply do not like it anymore.  Regardless, seems only fair to list at least one “resolution” I know I will be successful in achieving because I already have.  I feel better about me already.

Submit for publication.  I have been writing a couple of books since fall of 2013.  It is time to stop editing and simply send them to publishers.  Yes, there is fear of rejection involved, but I will not know until I write some letters and do some mailing.

Hard Stuff I Really Should Do:

Forgive those who have hurt me.  This is hard for me.  I remain angry at the Edna Board for what I see as malfeasance and an act of ignorance, cowardice and prejudice.  I remain angry at an employee who deceived me because of a false fear.  I am working on forgiving them.  I pray for them, and for me.  But in all honesty I am not there yet.  Until I release the anger around the pain and truly forgive I will burn inside.  I hope I can do this in 2015.

Let go.  This too is hard for me.  I devoted so many years, so much of my very being in my previous employment that I seem unable to totally disconnect.  I feel anger when I see current actions by the district knowing they are shortsighted and violate the mission, if not downright inappropriate.  I had this picture of announcing in December of 2014 that I would retire in June of 2015 and spend the spring saying goodbye and receiving some recognition for my work here.  None of that happened.  I was asked to disappear and I did.  And yet, I know the public schools in Edna are worse off whether they know it or not.  Not sure how to let go of that but it is critical for me that I do.

Cheer Up and Move On.  The self-flagellation I feel over my pain and loses of the last year inspires nightmares and loss of sleep.  I suspect I am still grieving.  It is time to stop.  It is time to cheer up and look to the future.  It is time to find other ways to contribute to the improvement of planet earth, the USA and Texas.  Not there yet, but I should be.  The alternative is continued wallowing in the past thereby destroying the present and the future.  Now, how exactly do I do that? 

So, there you have it and there I have it:  a list of possible improvements for 2015 which may or may not be fulfilled.  If not, the list will serve as fodder for beating myself up and feeling guilty this time next year.  That is scary.  How might I feel if I accomplished most or all of this list?  Honestly, that is equally scary as I will have let go of many of the things I care most about. 

So, here is to conquering fear in the coming year.

Happy New Year.

2,014 Years Ago

I find Christmas to be a time of reflection.  What do I believe?  What do I know?  What if?  These reflections seemed more pressing this year as I completed my 65^th year on this planet on December 27^th.  I never really liked my birth date much, though I am very glad it was not December 25.  And more than any year in recent memory I have participated in a wide array of Christmas music.  One of the most recent pieces our church sextet sang was, “Welcome to Our World.”  Wow.  That title got my head spinning.

My reflection this year has centered on the fortuitous birth of Jesus 2,014 years ago.  I know, I know, there is evidence it was either slightly more or slightly less than 2,014 years ago, and even more evidence that his birth date was not in December but was in either April, June or August.  My spring board for thinking is not about those issues.  I am totally intrigued by the question, what if Jesus was born to Mary in the US in the year 2014?

First, it is unlikely that we would call this year 2014 as we mark the beginning of both the Julian and Gregorian calendars with Anno Domini (AD) for the birth of Jesus.  What year would we call this year if not 2014?  The Romans numbered their years based on the founding of the city of Rome, so we would likely have kept that calendar as there would have been no good reason in western thinking to change it without the birth of Jesus.  If so the year would be 2767 A.U.C. (ab urbe condita – the founding of the city). 

Let’s assume then that Mary is pregnant with Jesus in the year 2767 a.u.c.  So much would be different!  If nothing else, her OB/GYN would never let her travel, much less on a donkey, that close to her due date.  She would be at home, which would be OK as the census is now completed at home.  If Mary and Joseph did travel, they would likely have had reservations at a Motel 6 or a La Quinta and the entire birth setting would be different.  Once labor began, Mary would end up in a local emergency room.

Shepherds would not be out watching flocks as we have fences, security night cameras and have eliminated most predators.  Oil field workers would be out, as would first responders.  Perhaps the heavenly angelic visit would have happened for these folks.  I bet had that happened one of them would have captured that heavenly chorus on their smart phone and posted it to some social media. 

Once posted, Jesus birth would have become paparazzi heaven!  Scientists would speculate on how the special effects were created and some experts would proclaim the video to be a fraud, though they could not prove it, while other experts verified its authenticity. 

Astronomers would soon be working on a similar dilemma as a new and bright star appears over a La Quinta.  The “star” would be in low earth orbit if it were able to pin point a spot using the naked eye.  Satellites and telescopes would focus on the star, airline routes would change, and the military would buzz the celestial body.  Needless to say, these wise men would have gone to the designated earthly spot to see what was up.  They would find a parking lot full of remote TV broadcasting vans. 

Mary and Joseph’s relatives would have been interviewed and the first crisis would have occurred.  So, when did Joseph and Mary get married?  Ah, so she was pregnant prior to marriage.  Joseph was not the father?  Who was?

The world would become divided into believers and non-believers with live coverage 24/7.  Mary would have to complete the Acknowledgement of Paternity form for the birth certificate.  If you thought Obama had a tough time regarding his birth certificate it would be nothing compared to filling in the “father” blank with “Holy Spirit”.  Blood samples taken at the emergency room would no doubt lead to DNA testing.  OK, Joseph is not the father.  But is the paternal DNA God’s DNA?  Does God have DNA?  Jesus must have, and I suspect Jesus’ DNA would be highly unique.

So, is Jesus an alien?  His father is other-worldly.  His father is in fact an undocumented alien. 

From this point on there would be no peace for Mary and Joseph.  Birth of future children would trigger intense coverage and investigation, but in each case the DNA would confirm Joseph as father and the excitement would dwindle.  Meanwhile, Jesus cannot go anywhere nor do anything as he grows up without media coverage.  We would have digital documentation of his entire childhood.  He would likely join Cub Scouts, play soccer, and go to the job site with his dad. 

Surely by age 13 it would be clear that Jesus was very different; perfect in fact.  As he has his bar mitzvah (yes, he would be born Jewish) he would interact with theologians of all sorts, though he probably would not get lost in a temple as there would literally be nowhere he could go without press coverage.  The interactions would likely be electronic.  He may very well have Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, email accounts and write blogs regarding his message.  He would be a frequent guest on every talk and news show whenever there was a national or international disaster.  I can only guess what he would have said regarding the Mideast conflict, gun control, tax breaks for the wealthy, etc.

I could go on and on.  The intriguing thing to me is that I am not sure how different Christianity would be with the scrutiny that would have occurred if Jesus had been born in the US this year.  Each “miracle” would have been digitally documented and publicly shown.  And who would be willing to sentence him to death?  Wow.  Death and resurrection are critical components of Christianity and would have to happen.  Would that have most likely happened in Texas, the capital of the death penalty in the US?  Scary thought.  At least it would not be death on a cross.  Not to mention the cameras trained on the burial site 24/7.

I think it is a pretty good deal that Jesus was born some 2,000 years ago.  Faith emerges as the foundation of this and every other religious belief system with the absence of scientific documentation.  In the ongoing pseudo war between belief and science it appears to me that had Jesus been born this year, science would have confirmed the faith. 

But that may only be because I believe.  I recognize it could very well go the other way.

Have a Happy New Year.

The Death Penalty for Being Different

In November of 1960 I was a 10 year-old 4^th grader at an elementary school in west Houston.  My father was a minister and I truly loved our conversations about theology, philosophy, economics and politics.  I saw my Dad as a true intellectual, a thinking man, a caring man, a man of peace.  He had already made his mark on the local Presbyterian Church by preaching a pro-civil rights sermon to an all white congregation shortly after our move to Houston in 1959.  The sermon triggered hate calls all night long for days and some irate members left the church.

The Spring Branch area of West Houston was a very conservative place, so much so that by the late 1960’s it became the very first Congressional District south of the Mason Dixon line to elect a Republican to the US Congress since the Civil War.  Our family income did not merit our residence in this area, but the church parsonage was there so that is where we lived after moving from Oklahoma City.  I enrolled in the elementary school the year before as a nine-year old 3^rd grader.  I had few friends.  I did not grow up in the area.  Breaking in was tough.  It did not help that my view of the world was different than virtually all of my fellow students.

November of 1960 was one of the most hotly contested Presidential election years our nation had ever seen.  Youngster John F. Kennedy, Democrat, was running against Richard M. Nixon, a stalwart veteran of the Republican Party.  On November 8, 1960, I wore a pro-Kennedy button to school.  I believe I was the only one to do so as everyone else who wore a campaign button seemed to be a Nixon supporter.  Everyone looked at me as though I had just landed from Mars.  And at the recess after lunch, on a hard-baked playground, a small group of 5^th grade boys jumped me and beat me up.  I was called “N-lover”, “Commie,” etc.  I was not so much physically injured as I was emotionally hurt and heartbroken.  Like any kid I wanted to be liked.  I wanted to have friends.  I wanted to fit in.  I did not like being the “new” kid, the “different” kid.  Clearly none of those wishes were likely to come true at this Spring Branch elementary school.  (I am grateful there was no Facebook or twitter at that time.  Heck, there were no personal computers, no calculators, no microwaves, no mobile phones with cameras, etc., etc.)  I never told my folks about the incident, but I celebrated the close Kennedy victory and walked with my head held high to school the next day face still puffy from the pelting I received the day before.  I was not jumped on November 9th.  Interestingly, Texas followed its long-standing tradition of voting solidly for the Democratic candidate and helped push Kennedy over the top.  Regardless, the message to me was clear.  Think like we think, believe what we believe, or suffer the consequences.

Punishing people for thinking differently, feeling differently, believing differently, even looking differently is not limited to immature, macho 5^th graders.  The angry church members who made hate calls to our home in 1960 were no different than the 5^th graders.  Nor were those in the inquisition, nor Hitler, nor ISIS, nor Al Qaeda, nor KKK, and on and on it goes.  I extend the promulgation of hate to those folks who persecute and revile homosexuals, or democrats, or the President, or UT fans, etc.  Hate groups are groups of folks who hate some other identifiable groups of folks and are willing to punish, sometimes kill, other humans beings because they are different. 

There are people in my life who are African American, Asian American, Jewish, homosexual, Hispanic, Muslim, atheist and Indian.  Each of them has a story about first feeling persecution for no reason other than their differences.  Sadly, just like those 5^th graders who beat up Kennedy supporters, these persecutors do not understand if persecution is OK for here and now against this group that there are places on planet earth where the persecutors will be persecuted for being the different ones.  Humans are incredibly diverse.  Always have been, always will be.  If you live within the safety of the walls of some majority where you live it would be wise to occasionally venture out rather than continue to remain inside and drip burning oil over the battlements on those who are likely a majority themselves elsewhere but you see as different here.  And if you say, “Let them go back where they came from” and believe that to be a viable solution, how will you respond when Native American Indians ask the same of you?

Attacking people because they are different is intellectually and emotionally equivalent to those 5^th graders.  Sadly, very sadly, we see it all over the world.  Immature humans in some state of power waging a war of persecution on folks who are different, think differently, look differently, believe differently.  The worst, in my opinion, are those who believe their hate is justifiable based on their religious faith.  Surely to believe in the persecution of a fellow human is not inspired by a deity of love and forgiveness.  I remain absolutely amazed that some humans are capable of such hypocrisy, such self-deception, such cognitive dissonance.  To claim one’s position as a persecutor is somehow morally blessed and thereby legitimate is by definition immoral.

We see such idiocy all the time.  Remember the Muslim riots in 2007 because a Danish cartoonist depicted Muhammad, even depicted him in a less than positive way.  Iran cut diplomatic ties with Denmark and initiated a contest for the best cartoon about the holocaust in retaliation.  Muhammad declared it was blasphemy to depict him and the Muslim world wanted us all to follow their rules.  We thought differently.  Are you aware that Charlie Chaplin made a wonderful parody of Adolph Hitler in 1940?  Hitler was incensed, but the film played on.  Remember the movie “Death of a President” in 2006 wherein a scene depicting the assignation of George Bush drew so much ire from conservatives that the film was pulled.  And now, the “Interview” is pulled because North Korean hackers threaten violence if it is shown because it makes fun of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.  Funny to me is that the very same people demanding that “Death of a President” should be pulled are now arguing that it was capitulation and a violation of the freedom of expression to pull the “Interview”.  Once again, persecution is in the eye of the beholder. 

Do we believe in freedom of expression?  Or, do we only believe that ideas, art, cartoons, etc. should be shared only if they agree with our point of view?  Do we believe that everyone has the solemn right to believe what he or she believes and that the government should not infringe those rights, or do we believe that is only true for people who think like me?  Is it OK to persecute and discriminate against people based on gender, age, religious belief, sexual preference, race, and ethnicity?  Is it OK for me to express these questions?  I argue that if it is OK to discriminate or persecute anyone because they are different from me then no one is free and valued as a human being.  I get it that we wish everyone thought like we think.  They don’t.  We need to do more than get over it, we need to learn what it is they think.

As a nation we enter a new era, an era where corporations can discriminate based on religious belief, where Texas legislators have introduced a host of proposed bills legalizing discrimination of one sort or another, and where Pakistani terrorists can butcher children on the grounds they may grow up to think like their parents.  And all this happens on the week the movie Exodus opens and the Interview is closed.  I find that very scary.  I believe anyone who can justify the slaughter of anyone, much less innocent children on religious grounds or on the grounds of their personal belief is not only very immature in their thinking, they are seriously sick.  It is the equivalent of wanting to fire people because of their sexual preference, their political party affiliation, or their religious beliefs.  I find no difference in the thinking of a school board member who sees his role as enforcing what he calls community values; a legislator who believes some discrimination is justifiable based on company ownership, the Muslim riots against a cartoon, the North Korean threatened attack against “Interview”, and the extreme slaughter of innocent children by Taliban terrorists.  And Bill O’Reilly just declared victory in the “War on Christmas because most Americans support Christian symbols of the season to be displayed at government buildings.  Really?  We are going to celebrate a government endorsement of a religious belief because it is the majority?  What are we thinking?  My wish for each of these folks is that they awaken tomorrow as an African American Muslim homosexual and see what happens to their view in the land of the free and brave.  Each of these persecutors wraps themselves in their own belief system and declares themselves justified in such persecution.  Each of these persecutors is no more than 5^th grade bullies.

It is my fervent wish that as a nation, as a people, we recognize and support differences, we defend the freedom of expression and the freedom of religion, we learn to find persecution of people who are somehow different from us as anathema to the notion of liberty.  Only then will we truly be the land of the free and the brave and only then will our international cry for democracy be real, not hollow rhetoric for implementing what we believe to be right.  I oppose implementing a death penalty as the Taliban just did against those whose sin is to be different.  I oppose threatening to implement such a death penalty as the North Korean hackers just did.  I also oppose any lesser form of persecution including bullies on the playground and bigots elected to office.

So, do I discriminate against those who discriminate?  Probably.  But my persecution does not go beyond my freedom of expression in this blog or elsewhere.  You are safe to think and believe differently from me.  I celebrate our human diversity.  Is the same true for me with you?

“Love your enemies and bless those who persecute you.”

Isn’t that a remarkable new way of thinking?

The Main Thing

We are on the cusp of the annual winter, a.k.a. Christmas, break.  Schools across the nation will close for multiple days during this time, a time we refer to as the “holidays” no doubt due to the fact that everyone has some holidays in December and early January.  There has been plenty written about the “reason for the season” and coping with the stress of these days.  Though suicide rates are lowest in December, our efforts to make everyone happy, to do all things, be all things, achieve that special ambiance expected by families and tradition is highly stressful.  One would think the “holidays” would be a time of rest and rejuvenation, but in a nation that has commercialized these days many find themselves even more panic stricken and more frantic than usual. 

There is a way out of this, I believe.  The solution is keeping the main thing the main thing, as Stephen Covey would say.  What overwhelms is the effort to accomplish multiple goals simultaneously and to view all goals as equally important.  This is not multi-tasking.  This is multi-goaling.  And multi-goaling is dreadful.  Many of our goals this time of year compete with each other and efforts to accomplish all goals and to be successful with all goals is the source of the stress, panic and frantic we see around us. 

So, what is the main thing for you about Christmas?  Is it the celebration of a religious belief that marks an event where a deity blessed humanity with the human birth of His son who was both God and man?  Is it the gathering of family?  Is it the food?  Is it the decorations?  Is it the music?  Is it the gifts?  Is it the parties?  Is it the wonder on the faces of children we love at the time they open presents?  Whatever your main thing is then the focus on accomplishing that main thing will guide you through the multi-decisions and multi-tasks facing you this time of year.  When you know what the main thing about Christmas is for you, everything else becomes the “little stuff” and there is no really good reason to sweat the little stuff.  Yes, you will likely attempt to accomplish all your goals, but I believe you can do so with laughter and lighter heart and more celebration once you know what you care most about.  What is your main thing?

(I also believe it is fairly easy to determine your main thing at Christmas time.  Of all you believe to be important, of all your goals, which one if foiled will upset you the most?  Which failure is your nightmare?  When you know that, you will know what you care most about.)

But I did not initiate this piece to talk about the Christmas holidays.  So the above is really a metaphoric ramble as a preamble to my main point:  If we do not know what the main thing is about any of our complex human efforts we are likely to go astray, feel panic, feel stress, and run in circles as though one foot is nailed to the floor.  When we have multi-goals of equal importance and often in conflict with limited resources we are not likely to be very successful at all of those goals as we are not deity, we are not omniscient, we are not omnipresent, and we are unable to perform miracles whenever we chose to do so.  I do not know for sure about you, but I know that I am a man, both flawed and precious, gifted with some talents but not all, able to do good things but not able to be perfect.  I am not God. 

Aye, there’s the rub.  If each of us is mortal and flawed then none of us are God.  And if none of us are God, why are we so bent on persecuting those who think differently than we do, who believe differently than we do, who act differently than we act, who are born with more or less skin pigment than we have, or have desires different than mine?  Why is it so important to insist on our own way when we know we are flawed and imperfect and in that we know we are no different than all other humans?  I chose my parents wisely.  I am an Anglo male heterosexual and a Christian with a good education and reasonable financial security.  I am so lucky because I was born in a nation that has traditionally valued all those characteristics and declared them to be the “best”.  Anyone who has characteristics other than those are perceived to somehow fall short, to somehow be less than me.  Those others who did not choose as wisely as I did are even worthy of denial, banishment, and persecution.  Ha!  How dare I practice persecution given that most of these characteristics were merely genetic and cultural luck?  No, I did not choose my parents.  Nor did you. 

Given all the above, finally, let us talk about schools.  Public schools.  Public schools are clearly a multi-mission, multi-goaled organization.  The goals assigned to and assumed by public schools are simultaneously becoming more diverse and more stringent.  Elected bodies at multiple levels (federal, state and local) are quick to require new demands of public schools, and apply sanctions for failures to meet those demands.  Read sanctions as persecution.  Yes, we will be punished by lay people who control budgets if we do not accomplish what they deem most important.  The great tragedy is, lay people do not know what is most important and because of that we are assigned multiple goals that are quite frankly impossible to accomplish.  Each level of government assumes the role of God.  “Do this because I say so, I am elected, and I must be God.  If you are not successful you will experience my wrath."  Most amusing to me is the fact that state officials get very upset if they see federal demands in conflict with their own demands.  Same is true for local boards and the state and federal government.  From the school’s point of view it does not matter if the mandate comes from the Board room, the state capital or Washington D.C., it all feels the same to the practitioner.

So, what are these goals and what is or should be the main thing?

Shall we work to ensure that no child is ever left behind?  Shall we work to end childhood obesity?  Shall we work to screen kids for various diseases and physical handicaps?  Shall we work to ensure that all kids do well on a high stakes standardized test?  Shall we work to ensure that we have highly diverse co-curricular and extra-curricular programs and that those programs win in competition?  Shall we work to ensure that we are the best show in town every Friday night?  Shall we work to ensure that schools are safe havens and bullet proof against assault by lone wolves?  Shall we work to arm staff against assault or should we work to control weapons that kill children?  Shall we work to judge teachers and hold them accountable on a variety of measures?  Shall we work to reward every child and help him or her be successful or shall we work to simply identify the winners?  Should we work to appease all parents who know their children do not lie and that their children are gifted, or should we work to identify obstacles to learning and develop plans to improve the child’s success?  Should we comply with all legislative mandates from every level or should we seek to accomplish the main thing?  Shall we work to have the best and shiniest facilities?  Shall we work to be as energy efficient as can be?  Shall we work to promote the successful attainment of each child’s potential?  Shall we work to promote the learning of every child?  Shall we keep the student teacher ratio as low as possible or teacher salary as high as possible?  Shall we work to ensure that only one side of every issue is taught regarding religion, history, science, and economics or shall we prepare children to know and understand a variety of schools of thought?  Are we an institution of indoctrination or an institution of education?  Shall we involve professionals and the community in decision making or should we be more top-down boss manager oriented?  Shall we work to improve technological applications and hardware in the classroom?  Shall we work to prepare students for careers or for college?  Shall we work to create “choice” by funneling public school dollars to the private sector?  Shall we work to ensure that all products and programs are selected based on low bid or shall we seek the best that can be bought?  Shall we work to keep taxes low or work to expand the educational opportunities in each system?  Shall we work to lead or comply?  Or, should we seek to provide and ensure the best possible learning experience for every child in the system in order to promote his or her future success?

As a school superintendent I was charged with accomplishing all those goals.  Whether I did or not was judged by a group of elected lay people, each of whom had different responses to each of the goals above.  I survived for as long as I did because I knew my answer to each of those questions and for me I knew the answer to what is the main thing we should be doing as a public school system.  When the goals of the Board changed, I retired.  When my philosophy of education ran in conflict with the Board, I retired.  Simply put, I would not bend when it came to keeping the main thing the main thing and that played out in a variety of ways. 

My main thing is we should work to both provide and ensure the best possible learning experience for every child in the system in order to promote his or her future success.  Student teacher ratios must be low, teacher involvement in decision-making should be high, support of teacher learning and development must be high, support of students identified with learning deficits should be high, programs ancillary to the “main thing” take a back seat, and compliance with mandates will happen but not at the expense of moving forward on the main thing.  We must have assessment to know how each kid is doing, but that assessment should never, ever be used to judge kids, teachers, schools, and/or school systems. 

I have known my main thing for over 40 years now.  Once I knew my “main thing,” decisions became easy.  What I lobbied for at a variety of levels became easy.  How I handled conflict became easy.  I am not and was not God, and it was important to listen to all constituencies, not just the loudest, the most passionate, and the most influential.  Kids are less likely to be successful without an array of support inside and outside of the school. 

And so, my friends and readers, I encourage you to consider what your main thing is regarding the Christmas holidays and while you have some time off consider your main thing regarding public education.  I believe that will bring you more peace and more joy.

I cannot insist that you all agree with my selection of the main thing as that would be contrary to my basic beliefs.  I can wish for each of you a very Merry Christmas, and if that is contrary to your beliefs I wish for you very Happy Holidays.

May joy and peace be yours.