Self Control

I had a delightful time with my son, daughter-in-law and grandson last weekend.  Grandson is 19 months old and already gearing up for his “twos.”  When there is something he wants and it is denied he wails.  When he is tired or hungry he wails.  He is a small human and his behavior now is the bedrock of the drives I continue to experience.

I do not want to do what I do not want to do.  I want what I want.  But my ability to make myself do what I do not want to do and deny myself what I want is a measure of my maturity as well as my humanity.  I must control me else wise others will seek to do so.  Our prisons are full of people who could not tell themselves “no.”  To my knowledge no one has ever had to be trained to identify what they want.  Grandson surely has not had to be trained in that identification process.  He knows.  We know.  Many of my wants are very appropriate.  Many are not.  Those that are not require the exercise of my self control.

There are circumstances when my self control is weakened, inhibited, reduced, handicapped or simply not present.  One beer too many will do that.  Medications can do that.  Overwhelming emotions such as grief and anger can do that.  Mental illness can do that.  Addictions can do that.  Sometimes the desire is so intense that we do that.  In fact, we sometimes use the term “crime of passion” to explain such behaviors.  When we say overwhelming emotions we imply that our emotions overwhelmed our rational thought.  It is rational, reasonable, and logical that we exercise self control.  Such control does not reside in our emotional life, does not reside in the part of the brain we were born with that is necessary to help us survive.  We are born seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.  We are born with hunger, with the drive to reproduce, the drive to get what we want.  If we did not have those drives we would not survive.  Self-control tempers all those drives.  It is learned, it is developed, it is both social and reasonable.  And without practice it is diminished, without modeling it is diminished. 

Vice versa.  If all we do is live out our lives from our purely rational minds we will never know love, joy, and excitement.  We will never know the huge satisfaction from a wonderful meal, the overwhelming excitement of a new love, the deep pleasure of the fine arts, and the joy of connection with another person.  Such feelings make us human as well.  We can deny them, but I believe we should not.  We must temper them through the eyes of our society and culture.  When is it appropriate to relish food?  With whom is it appropriate to allow our lust to be expressed?  How shall I reduce the pain I feel?  When can we let ourselves go (that is our rational selves) to experience the moment?  How do we stifle the two-year old’s wail that remains in each of us?  Those are the issues around self control and the issues around those folks whom we perceive to be out of control.

Practicing self-control is hard work.  It is lonely work.  Some do not get that it is work at all and go through life feeling like a victim, both of circumstances, others and their own wants, wishes and needs.  Sometimes a partner can help, but for the most part the struggle against what we want and do not want happens inside our own heads hidden from others.  If I am overweight and/or diabetic and yearn for a large dish of Blue Bell I must face that struggle alone.  I am both, and fight the good fight, mostly winning, sometimes losing.  Adults win the fight more often than children.  I firmly believe that the boundary between childhood and adulthood is the development of self control and the frequency and context of the use of such. 

I also firmly believe that every one of us has experienced the failure of our self-control.  Hence guilt, remorse, and regret reside in the memory of each adult who has acted in ways other than rational self control.  (On the other hand, it may evoke a sly smile.)  Those actions are the times we were out of control seeking only what we wanted.  We could not exercise self control.  It is because I believe we all know those feelings, we all have those experiences, that we learn forgiveness of one another and support of each other.

For many, forgiving loss or lack of self control is very difficult.  I am not sure why, but my guess is that their level of self-control is at risk or the price they pay for self control is very high, but that is just a guess.  Some have a hard time forgiving anyone who suffers consequences of the perceived failure of self-control:  the addicts, the obese, the depressed, the homeless, the anorexic.  And yet each of these "unforgivable" folks is in fact suffering from a disease that goes beyond the ability to rationally control the consequences.  It will take years of practice that never ends to overcome such results and characteristics.

When we look about us we have very high expectations for the level of self-control in some folks, and very low expectations of others.  We expect educators and clergy and law enforcement officers, etc. to have high levels of self-control.  We become very angry and judgmental when we hear of one of the people in those professions acting on selfish wants, wishes and needs rather than practicing self-control.  On the other hand, professional athletes have low levels of expectations of self control.  We become immune to every new account of misbehavior on the part of athletes who earning lots of money for playing games indulge in self-seeking fun, whatever that fun may be.  With a wink and smile we see athletes grow their hair ridiculously long, tattoo their bodies, and/or celebrate a personal accomplishment in the end zone.  These are childlike behaviors, not the behaviors of an adult.  Children given unlimited resources will likely get in trouble.  

I do not believe that our wants, wishes and needs are evil.  I believe we come hard wired to have those desires.  I believe that one of the things that separate us from other primates is our ability to say that the feeding of these hungers is sometimes inappropriate for the good of our group; therefore, even if you want it, you must learn to tell yourself no for the sake of all the other humans around you.  A major task in child rearing is helping kids learn what is appropriate and inappropriate, at least in terms of our culture, to want and satisfy as opposed to simply wanting and self-denying.  I also know this varies tremendously by culture.  Females in our culture have a much broader range of appropriate want, wish and need satisfaction than do females in the mid-East.  On the other hand, females in the Nordic states have a much broader range than females in our culture.  It is the culture that defines what is right and wrong and children must learn their culture.  (I also believe they should learn that there are other cultures and that because we say it is “right or wrong” does not mean that is a universal conclusion carved in stone.)

So I read in today’s paper that a coach is accused of “bullying” an athlete on the sidelines of a football game.  An investigation is under way and all the officials have to say is “no comment.”  If a coach loses self-control on a side line and unleashes anger at a student player we deem that inappropriate, a lapse of self control.  If true, it sounds to me like a crime of passion, a behavior uncontrolled in the intense desire to win a game.  We want our coaches to want to win.  We do not want our coaches to want to win so much they hurt kids.  I do not know which coach or which player; it does not matter to me.  Shall we ever forgive someone who has lost self-control?  When should we forgive and move on, and when should we punish the person who “lost it”? 

For me the answer to those questions is based on context and history and consequences.  Is this a one-time event or a pattern?  If a pattern is present then that is scary.  If it is a onetime event then the measure of remorse is important.  Did this lapse happen in an intense context or in a stress free context?  What are the extenuating contextual issues?  If an adult loses self-control in a highly intense setting then for me forgiveness is much more likely.  And, if the result of losing self control is damage to another person, physically or emotionally, then the loss of control is pretty severe.  If there is no damage, then the likelihood of forgiveness increases.

Should adults or children who lose self control be forgiven without consequence?  I do not think so.  I believe there should be consequences, the range and severity of which are based on the person, context, etc.  Forgiveness does not mean lack of consequences.  However, the worst consequences of a temporary loss of self control tend to be self inflicted.

That is a complicated response.  It is much easier for some to simply say, "This is right, this is wrong, you did wrong, here is your punishment."  Black and white.  No gray.  Would that it were so simple.  Life is not that simple, being a human being is not that simple.  Doing unto others as I would do for myself is hard work.

The simple truth is our schools are staffed with human beings.  We are all capable of and have experienced loss of self control.  If our expectation of educators is the perfect practice of self control then there is no one qualified to work here, to judge such events, or train future educators how to do that.  The loss of self control should be judged, in my opinion, based on context, history and consequences, not just the facts of the behavior.  I offer forgiveness in the hopes to receive some myself.  I am neither ready nor qualified to throw the first stone.

I was not asked to comment on this event by the media.  That is appropriate as I do not sit in that chair anymore.  If asked, however, I would reply with this post. 

I pride myself with my level of professional self control.  Many are the times I want to rant, confront, let my temper and my tongue loose on a staff member, a parent, a Board member.  I have not done so, but it is very difficult.  I am not nearly so good when at home or by myself.  I believe few have ever seen me lose my temper or break down and wail, a.k.a., lose my self control, and those who have are family members and loved ones, not professional colleagues.  Control yourself, forgive yourself, learn and go on to control yourself better. 

But do not lose your humanity while you learn to do that.  We all have to let go every now and then.

Having said all this I go to my room to wail.