Heartbreak

Heartbreak.  The worst pain in the world.  I have not given birth, but I have passed kidney stones and those who have done both say the kidney stones are worse.  I have broken bones, I have cracked ribs.  I have had two heart attacks and six major surgeries.  I know physical pain.  And I would go through all of it over and over if I did not ever have another heartbreak.  Heartbreak is the worst.

Heartbreak only happens when we love someone, and when I say someone I should include animals who are members of the family.  All life ends.  And for those who have reached the end and left me here I have ached, and ached.  The ache is literally in my heart.  In my chest.  A tightening that will not come loose.  Memories make it worse.  Replaying happy times makes it worse.  But most terrible is projecting current and future times.  I wonder what the people I love who no longer love me are doing now.  But, if I knew it would likely hurt more.  I can imagine the setting where it would hurt the most and do my best not to think of it.  But that is folly.  I cannot tell myself to not imagine a blue elephant without seeing one in my mind’s eye.

It is the loss of love.  Death is terrible, so final.  Regardless of your religious beliefs it is clear that the remainder of the time you are alive that now dead person will not be here.  In that is an ache that bears down and wrings tears from eyes so red, so tired yet so unrested.  Worse for me is the loss that comes from the living who in one way or another imply they will be happier without me in their lives.  Those who love, leave and then live on.  Those who could stay, but won’t.  It is in that decision to separate in life that the real gut wrenching happens for me and I feel my innards ripped and shredded and the pain in my chest almost overwhelming.  Surely death would be better than this pain, this rejection, this loss.  Why go on?

And yet I do.  I come close, but I do not leave.  I swear I will never love again.  And yet I do, always with fear and trembling that another monster pain is lurking around the corner.  I am skittish fearing early symptoms of that pain, I am prepared to jump before I care too much.  But even when I think I have protected myself I have not.  Someone leaves.  I die.  And I hold on to the hole they have left in my life, the space they took up in my head, the joy they provided when together, and wonder why the hell is it empty now, why did they decide they would be better gone than here where I could love them?  I pray they will return and fill the void.  But that prayer goes unanswered.  Always.  The void remains.  The scars form.  The shell grows more brittle. 

But the pain of heartbreak never goes away.  Each new one resurrects the pain from heartbreaks past and I wonder if somehow I am a magnet for such pain.  Do I somehow cause what I hate the most?  Do I somehow love too much?  Perhaps.  But no one stays long enough to coach me.  They take their heart and run.

I hurt tonight.  Deeply.  Perhaps a kidney stone would help.

School Resumes

August.  Teachers are returning to begin another school year, kids not quite yet.  After 40 years in this business I have some thoughts about how we start school.  And silly me, I will share them.

We spend an inordinate amount of time shutting down and starting up school years.  Each spring teachers have to pack up and take down all their stuff in addition to finalizing grades, etc.  Then in August teachers have to unpack and set up all their stuff.  Teachers see the classroom they are in as “their” classroom so they will knock themselves out to make the room appropriate for the grade and subject.  No other major enterprise spends time shutting down and starting up every year like schools do.  The main reason for the shutdown is custodial.  Summer is the time of deep cleaning.  But I have always thought just letting teachers secure their stuff where it is makes more sense than a total shutdown.  Custodians can work around and still get the rooms clean.

Teachers want time to work in their rooms. Not only for all the start-up unpacking, but to plan.  In a matter of days kids will show up and teachers are expected to have something for them to do, like learn.  Cannot expect teachers to do that well if we do not give them time to prepare.

Things that are a total waste of time during this pre-school season include motivational speakers, faculty meetings regarding handbooks and opening day procedures, etc.  Ask a teacher who the motivational speaker was a year ago and they likely will not remember, much less remember the message.  Two years ago?  Forget it.  Save the money and give teachers more supply money.  Faculty meetings are for principals, not teachers.  Going over the rules in a large group is crazy.  Treat teachers like professionals.  Simply say that teachers are expected to read and understand the employee handbook, the student handbook and the student code of conduct.  If a teacher has a question, email a principal.  New teachers should have buddies to help them digest all the most boring text in the world, found in those handbooks.

There will likely be a lot of whoo-rah regarding the kick off of the football season.  Band may get mentioned.  Volleyball, cheerleaders, dance team etc., may get mentioned.  But make no mistake this is about extracurricular events and mostly football.  That’s all fine and dandy, but school systems should celebrate teachers every bit as much as they do head coaches.

Administrators, or counselors, or somebody, will put together a schedule for the coming year.  That typically takes hours and hours.  But in no way does it compare with the days and months teachers will live that schedule.  Always seemed to me that teachers should have a voice in those schedules.  I know some may want first period off so they can come late, or lunch conference so they can leave campus every day, but the vast majority of teachers are professional and they know what works and what doesn’t.  Failure to ask the practitioners on this and other topics demeans teachers and the profession.

Teaching is the most important job in the school system and should be treated as such.  They hold the only position that requires a substitute when they are absent and that should say something.  Involve them in decision making.  Ask them their opinion.  Focus the pre-school time on promoting their planning and success.  Soon enough, kids will arrive and we must count on teachers for the remainder of the year to get the job done.  Teaching is a very private act that occurs behind closed doors with a group of kids and one adult.  We must trust teachers to do their job.  That job is critical to the future of our nation.  That job is teaching for learning for every kid in the system.  How important is that?  Wow.

I wish all my teacher friends a great start to the coming year.  I wish all my administrator friends peace and support.  Educators can help each other be successful or create roadblocks to success.  Find the roadblocks and eliminate them.

Have a great year!

If the NRA begins the NAA

What if the National Rifle Association launched a sister organization to do for automobiles what the NRA has done for guns?  The new group could be the NAA, the National Automobile Association.  If so, I can picture their policies:

They would oppose vehicle registration because once registered liberals might confiscate their cars and trucks.  They would oppose requiring driver’s licenses to operate a motor vehicle because that would limit the number of people who could buy cars and trucks.  They would oppose mandatory car insurance as that implies when there is a wreck someone may be responsible and cars don’t wreck, people wreck.  They would oppose speed limits as that reduces the functionality of the motor vehicle and there is no reason to limit law abiding drivers from driving as fast as they want.  They would oppose seat belts as that is a silly safety precaution that adds expense to the production of cars and it is not needed for those same law abiding drivers.  They would oppose license plates as that would be a way for the government to track vehicles and thereby limit the rights of the owner and the driver.  They would oppose vehicle inspection requirements as that requires drivers to take their vehicles to state run operations to determine if the vehicle functions properly and does not pollute the environment.  When the day comes that the government can tell you that you may not drive your car it will be a loss to a great American freedom.  Further, if and when the government comes to take away your car how would you escape?

There would be a whole new crop of bumper stickers.  Cars don’t kill, people kill.  You can pry my truck keys from my cold dead hands.  Good guys with cars is the only way to stop bad guys with cars.  Bad guys won’t obey car laws anyway.  Limiting who drives what and how has never stopped wrecks. 

They would take these positions based on the 1^st amendment and freedom of expression arguing that cars and trucks are the most obvious expression of each person in America and there should be no limits to that expression.  Why should you have to have headlights and blinkers if that is not your style?

We would, of course, see traffic fatalities skyrocket and families of innocents killed by reckless drivers would have no compensation because the insurance requirement is gone.  In fact, hit and run and leaving the scene of an accident would become SOP as there would really be no consequence for driving a fast car or truck recklessly.  When an unregistered truck driven by an unlicensed driver with no vehicle inspection and no insurance crashes into a Walmart and kills 20 people we can shrug and say that is the cost of freedom.  Besides, if you don’t have a truck how can you get somewhere to hunt?

So, if the NRA positions make sense, why not the positions of the NAA?

I Care

I’m in the third quarter of my 69^th orbit around our little star.  I have seen eclipses, meteor showers, Shuttle launches, forest fires, floods, hurricanes, blizzards and tornadoes.  I watched as humans first stepped on the moon and we landed vehicles on Mars and asteroids.  I watched Eisenhower initiate the Interstate Highway system.  I heard Kennedy say, “Ask not what your country can do for you….” But I only heard recordings of FDR saying “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”  I watched Nixon go and I watched classmates leave and go to die in SE Asia.  I watched Watts burn.  I watched Chicago erupt in protests in the year I graduated from high school.  I watched Wallace stand on the steps of the University of Alabama to forbid Black students from entering, and I watched Martin Luther King Jr’s, “I Have a Dream” speech live on our black and white TV.  I have seen us go from 3 bathrooms (men, women and colored) to two, and I have seen separate but not equal water fountains.  I remember life with rotary phones, no TV, no microwaves, no computers of any size, no jet travel; where radio and books were the escape.  I have seen much.  And yet still not enough.  I am not sure as are any of us how many orbits I have left.

In case I don’t have the chance to say it, I love you all.  I love you if you are taking Trump Kool Aide intravenously.  I love you if you host all my favorite liberal websites.  I love you if you read my blogs even if you argue with me.  I love you if I have yet to meet you and I love you if you have broken my heart.  I promise, I will never put you in a cage.  I will never separate you from those you love.  I will never suggest that you return to a country of ancestral origin.  I will never support someone else’s’ religious beliefs becoming the law that rules you, nor will I ever support the punishment of the minority, those who think differently and those who think at all.  You are human beings as am I.  We are not aliens here.  Earth is our home and we must begin to nurture her for survival rather than rape her for profit.  We must take care of one another and let go of the fear that someone is going to get something that should have been mine.  We teach Kindergarteners to let go of that fear and to share.  Surely we can manage that.  Surely we can learn if we have nothing good to say that we should say nothing at all.

And surely we should know the solar system, the galaxy, the universe is unbelievably vast and intelligent life is likely elsewhere.  I suspect we are not alone and we are not so unique.  We are an evolved species, even if we have not shown that to be always true.  We must take care of each other.  We must teach, we must clothe, we must feed, we must shelter, and we must heal all those that we can.  What a glorious mission!

So should you ever doubt that I cared for you let me say in no uncertain terms that I did.  Deeply.  Until the day I died.  

There, I feel better.